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This is for the people who have been burned by the misguided platitudes that plague us in times of trial.
This is to remind us all of the power of words.
This is to make us think about what we say and why we say it… and the impact it has on someone.
Even when it’s meant well…
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“Empathy has always been a value that has underpinned who I am as a person.”
Empathy has always been a value that has underpinned who I am as a person. From a young age, compassion was at my core, caring for people holistically; emotionally, spiritually and physically, seemed to come naturally. It really wasn’t a surprise that I began my adult career as a Nurse…
I remember in one of my Nursing classes having a disagreement (read *argument*) with one of my lecturers who suggested that care and empathy were not essential qualities in a Nurse. I have worked with (and been on the receiving end of…) Nurses who possess a great deal of care and empathy, and I have also worked with some who possess none. Let me tell you, not one of those Nurses functioning devoid of care or empathy should have their registration. Not only are these essential qualities in a health-care professional, they really are essential qualities in a human.
“Empathy is “the ability to UNDERSTAND another person's feelings or experience…””
People often confuse empathy with sympathy, but there is a distinct difference. The Oxford Dictionary defines sympathy as: "the feeling of being sorry for somebody” caring, feeling for, loving. But empathy goes one step further. Empathy is “the ability to UNDERSTAND another person's feelings or experience…” . Making the decision to put on someone else’s shoes, take a 100 mile walk, until your feet bleed too!
Sympathy looks at a situation and says “I have no idea what you’re going through, but I’m sad for you”. Empathy looks at a situation and says “I have no idea what you’re going through, I’m sad for you, so let me step into the situation WITH you, so I can at least TRY to UNDERSTAND what you’re going through.” It’s like sympathy levelled up!
“…I know the loneliness of hoping for SOMEONE to understand…”
Although empathy has always been a value i’ve held on to, joining the Chronic Illness Club (not a real club, just a metaphorical one…) took my passion for empathy to a new place of importance. I began to empathise with empathy! Going through a seemingly endless supply of tests… being prodded and poked, on the receiving end of both great and poor care and forever in judgemental stares because I “look fine”, gave me a unique understanding of just what my patients had felt so often. But more than that, the feeling of isolation that comes with an invisible illness… Friends and family sympathise so well, they care and they love, but empathy is few and far between, because stepping into a place of understanding for this area of life, is so hard if you haven’t physically experienced what it’s like. Empathy is hard to achieve in some situations… Invisible illness is one of those, and I know the loneliness of hoping for SOMEONE to understand, so well (whilst at the same time, grateful when people can’t understand, simply because I don’t wish that true understanding on anyone).
“…replacing the sympathetic platitudes with empathetic realism. Real life cards; for real life people.”
One of the worst parts of getting poorly wasn’t even the physical pain and turmoil, it was the friends who had no idea what to say to me, and so said nothing. (Usually out of fear of not wanting to say the wrong thing, having no words, and not understanding what I was going through.) What I realised was, for me; and many others in so many varying situations, receiving a message that said “I don’t understand, and I don’t know what to say.” would have been a million times better than hearing nothing. And so, Thatch Creative: Empathy Cards, was born. I wanted to create a way for people to be able to take baby steps into empathising with their loved ones. Bridging the gap, and replacing the sympathetic platitudes with empathetic realism. Real life cards; for real life people.
But the cards were not, and are not, the only place in my business where empathy plays a leading role. Empathy flows through my freelance veins too. Whether it’s a small business getting to grips with branding, or a charity needing a comms overhaul and needing to be handed the tools to maintain a sustainable Communications Strategy…I come at all of my freelance projects with empathy. Adopting a fundamental element of “What is it like in this situation for this person/organisation? Let me understand what you’re dealing with so we can make a plan that will be empathetic to who you are, where your story has come from, where it is now, and where it’s going.” And my goodness, if I can’t empathise straight away, I’ll go away and find a way to grasp at the very basic of understanding. Empathy is always available, you just have to be brave enough to ask the questions and find a way to get a shoe in the door of understanding… Even if it takes a while to find it!
I came across this quote from Barack Obama, which grabbed my heart and reminds me of the “why” behind empathy:
“Learning to stand in someone else’s shoes, to see through their eyes, that’s how peace begins. And it’s up to you to make that happen. Empathy is a quality of character that can change the world.”
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…I had never even BEEN to a poetry slam, let alone been IN one…
At the end of February (just before lockdown happened….! You, know, when you could hug your friends and family, and enjoy life, mask-free… Do you remember it?!) I did something very out of my comfort-zone. My friend Francesca- always full of courage and creativity, talked me into taking part in the Margate Bookie Poetry Slam…
Well… I had never even BEEN to a poetry slam, let alone been IN one. The entire extent of my Poetry Slam knowledge was from watching 22 Jump Street…! I had no idea what to expect. All I knew was, I needed to write a piece of spoken word, under 2 minutes long and perform it………… so… I did. I wrote this piece especially for that competition (which I actually came in 3rd place- not bad for my first go, surround by seasoned slammers!) and was due to be cracking it out at The Write House open mic a few weeks later, but a little thing called pneumonia, got in the way. So I thought this would be a great time to share it a fresh with you now, a few months on.
This piece “The Fat Little Bee” was actually written as it begins…pondering outside. I love flying my kite, it’s such a soothing past time. I’ll often take myself off to the beach or up on a hill and just fly my kite and clear my head. And so in dribs and drabs the words came from there.
Bees have become a slight fascination of mine in the past few years, as i’ve learned more about their intricate beauty, but the NECESSITY of the bee in nature. They are incredible creatures, and when I found out that they entirely defy gravity with their wing-to-body ratio, well it was a no brainer.
You can take the words at face value, or you can look a bit deeper. Either way, I hope you get something great from the words.
And if you love a bee as much as I do, pop on over to my shop and stock up on “Bee Yourself” cards and badges!
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As I begin to share a few pieces of (no frills, just me to camera) spoken word on my social media channels, I thought I would pair them with an explanation of where the words came from.
And so my spoken word love began to grow.
In general, I really struggle with sharing creativity with the world… I find it really vulnerable and intrusive. When I create things that have a purpose… that can hide behind some kind of “other person” I’m much better… So a few years ago, I wrote my first ever piece of spoken word for some Easter media at Ashford Vineyard, (you can have a watch of it here: https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=1061574874241909 ) and because I was able to kind of hide behind the AV brand, it was much easier. Sharing it as me, is a struggle, but one that I’m trying to overcome. (Because really, how can you develop and grow and get better if you don’t share your work at every stage?!)
I was then invited to share an advent thought on Radio Ashford last Christmas, and so wrote a piece for that too. And so my spoken word love began to grow.
Just before lockdown my friend Francesca lovingly bullied me into performing at a poetry slam- I had never even heard of a poetry slam… I had zero idea of what to expect. So I wrote my third ever piece of spoken word specifically for the slam. It was SCARY. I might share it with you at another point, and give you the story behind that. But this is spoken word piece number 4 in my life.
As you may have seen from previous blogs, and things that I share, I am part of the leadership team at The Beehive. During lockdown, we’ve been having lots of online social times and catching up with our volunteers, which has been a great time to get to know each other better and build community. A few weeks ago at one of our socials we were chatting about what we’d been doing in lockdown and one of our amazing volunteers shared that she had taken up poetry again. She hadn’t written in a long time, and had begun to write again during lockdown. I told her that she should absolutely share some with us… And she did. She wrote a wonderful poem about The Beehive, and shared it with us, which was such a beautiful and tender moment. And then I realised I really shouldn’t be a hypocrite and encourage her to share, if I was too scared to do it myself.
And so… Here begins my bravery, inspired by Chris, and her own bravery.
This piece “What’s in a Tribe” was partially inspired by a good friend of mine. I had begun pondering about relationships and the quality of the people we surround ourselves with. I had started to write down bits and pieces to form the basis of a poem. Then 2 Sundays ago, some very close friends had their “commissioning service” at church (online)- They are about to go and start a brand new church up north (Vineyard Lincoln), and so this was their service where our church sent them off and said goodbye. They did a little talk during the service about why they’re going, etc. And at one point, Maddy spoke about her realisation of the importance of having REAL relationships, and challenged us to think about the people we surround ourselves with. To make sure we have “A Tribe” that have positive influences in our lives.
Well, that just fed perfectly into what I already had written, and shaped the rest of my spoken word.
“A Tribe” is something that I’ve heard a lot about in the last few months and years, and so I asked myself the question: “What is IN a tribe”? This is my musing, and deciphering of that phrase, and how it relates to the relationships I have.
I hope you enjoy. Have a watch, and let me know what you think, in the comments below!
I am not a hugely tactile human. I like my personal space. (Don’t get me wrong, I love a hug from the right person, but I don’t necessarily need to be constantly close to other humans as often as most.)
What is connection? And why are humans hardwired for it?
As an introverted extravert, social situations and being around a lot of people, makes me nervous and causes my social butterfly to go into overdrive… which gives the allusion of confidence. I love my own space and my own company. I have never been someone who gets chronically lonely if I’m on my own for a long period of time.
And yet, lockdown has got me pondering the necessity for connection. What is connection? And why are humans hardwired for it?
I have developed the art of compartmentalising my feelings.
I have discovered about myself in the last few months that, when it comes to connection, I really am an all or nothing girl. I have developed the art of compartmentalising my feelings. (Much to the annoyance of my closest people.) And so the first part of lockdown was challenging to me, but not as much of an emotional wrench as it has been for many. The worst part was not being able to fix and be there to comfort the people I love, in their own emotional wrenches. Obviously I missed certain people. But I was able to find my emotional connection from afar when I needed it. That was, until… one day a few weeks ago, when my Saturday was filled with some of my favourites stopping by with gifts and sitting on my front doorstep for socially distanced chats, in person. Not seeing anyone at all, was fine. But this, was the beginning of my unravelling- seeing these people, but not being able to stand close to them, was too much. The compartmentalised boxes that I had so carefully packed away? Yeah, they stopped working.
…I hadn’t felt the weight of the time that COVID had stolen from us…
I then spent an evening sitting on the grass outside my friends’ house. This couple live just a short walk from my home, and theirs has been a second-home when I’ve needed it; a place of refuge, and safety, with people who have earned the right to know me, to challenge me, and be privy to my trust. (Which I never give lightly.) This particular couple will be moving in the next few months to follow an incredible adventure. My compartmentalising had meant that I hadn’t felt the weight of the time that COVID had stolen from us in preparing for their departure. So when the unravelling begun, my first venture out since lockdown, belonged to them. We sat for HOURS at the front of their house, chatting about everything and nothing. But what tipped me over the edge, was the goodbye. Where usually we would hug to say our goodbyes, instead, we stared at each other, not knowing how to deal with not being able to connect. Well that was just the icing on top of the cake.
…being denied the nearness of the ones you love is completely counter to our natural human instincts.
That 5 minute walk home was brutal. The overwhelming grief bubbled up to the surface and I realised in that moment, that being denied the nearness of the ones you love is completely counter to our natural human instincts. Whether you crave constant nearness, or are more reserved with your affection, regardless, we all have an integral necessity for connection in one form or another.
Our family is very close, and this has quite probably been the longest we’ve ever been separated. We have managed to have many zoom calls, and played quizzes from a distance like most families have during lockdown. And technically, we probably could meet together now outdoors. But, I have a very cute (and extravagant) niece who is 4 years old. And we decided that it would be too emotionally hard (and potentially damaging) to her, for us to see each other and not be able to hug and be near each other. [My word, it would be hard enough for US, with an understanding of the whys… let alone her…] Children are hardwired to physically reach out when they want closeness- either in sadness, or happiness, or tiredness… It is inbuilt for children to naturally want to be embraced by their family. And so it really shouldn’t come as a surprise that as adults, whether we care to admit it or not, that instinct remains in some form or another. An inherent necessity for connection.
Surely the pain equates to the love that we have for those people?
As lockdown measures begin to lift in small (but monumental) ways, it poses a challenge to people who gravitate to a compartmentalised emotional existence, like me. It dangles the carrot, of being able to spend time with your people, but not being able to reach out. Not being able to embrace to greet or part. And so I find myself walking the tightrope between avoidance, and leaning into the emotions that the absence of connection brings. (I usually opt for avoidance, but that is something that I have tried to challenge myself on in recent years… That’s another conversation.) Leaning into the pain of this form of connection-separation-anxiety, may be hard, but I would like to think that it could also be transformative. Surely the pain equates to the love that we have for those people? And surely, therefore, in having that action that our instinct usually employs, stripped from us, we might form a deeper understanding of our needs, and how to express the love and compassion we have FOR those people, in a much more meaningful way?
Maybe we will develop a discerning for where we place the privilege of our requited connection.
I would also like to think that this time apart will bring with it a sweeter embrace when that right is restored to its natural state. Maybe we will develop a discerning for where we place the privilege of our requited connection. We might reserve our closeness for the people we really and truly have missed, and the expression would be much more meaningful. (Or maybe the world will become a free for all, and we’ll be hugging strangers on the street.)
I will be trying hard to lean into the pain in a healthy way, filled with learning, and growing. In the full understanding that it may not be easy…
…if we boast in an outrageous love for the people in our lives and yet limit the emotions of being physically separated from them, we just may be limiting our capacity to give to them, the love and value that they deserve.
If you fall into the avoidance camp, and thus far have managed to restrain your emotions that the last few months may be bubbling under the surface, as you actively ignore it… I’d like to challenge you to take a moment and lean into those feelings, in small doses. Because If I’ve learned nothing else, I have discovered that if we boast in an outrageous love for the people in our lives and yet limit the emotions of being physically separated from them, we just may be limiting our capacity to give to them, the love and value that they deserve. I’d hope that the pain attached can bring such beautiful fruit to the way we love and cherish our people. And that might just be worth a bit of emotion.
If you’re missing your people, I have 3 cards that speak right into our current situation, #ReachOutInIsolation and send them some love.
(I even do direct sending. I will hand-write your message and send it directly to them, 1st Class, for you!)
This, is me, Karen Thatcher, the Thatch behind the Creative.
I grew up in Ashford, Kent with my small, but special family, before heading off on a far away journey to University in… Canterbury…30 minutes up the road. (Yes, yes, I am a ‘Home Bird’ and don’t like to stray too far from the nest.)
I trained as a Nurse and thrived in the busy and hectic world of hospital wards. My day to day life was 13 hour shifts, dealing with patients from every walk of life- a privilege and an honour (most of the time)!
As a Christian, my “spare time” (for those of you who are healthcare professionals, you’ll appreciate the irony of those two words) was spent leading different areas of church life and enjoying all that that brought. [Arriving from a long shift, in my scrubs, to worship band practice…always fun…]
Until, my world changed.
Here comes the reality in all it’s honesty.
Working in a hospital has it’s natural occupational hazards, picking up bugs is just path of the course. And that’s what happened. I picked up a virus like any other; it just so happened that this one didn’t go away. And so, life stopped a bit for me.
My world was very quickly stripped back to basics as my parents scooped me up and brought me home (they are the most incredible humans, I can’t even begin to express my infinite gratitude to them…). I could no longer work; and some days, I couldn’t even get out of bed. Not ideal being in my early 20’s, and as someone who thrives on the busy.
The next few years took a lot of adjustment as I battled the line of hope and acceptance. [I don’t use the word ‘battle’ lightly, it really is a massive battle.] Getting on with the every-day, whilst hoping that at some point, i’d be better. It’s not an easy balance.
I think it’s safe to say, that what came next was, and continues to be, a massive learning curve.
Here are the headlines of what I’ve learnt so far:
Family celebrates in the joy, and grieves in the pain. Family matters.
(Whatever your family unit looks like. For me… it is my parents, siblings, SIL and nibling. Your family may look different and may not even be made up of blood relatives. Your family is your family.)
Friendships are dealt in quality not quantity.
(When you hit a bump in the road, you quickly discover the friendships that will endure, and the people who love you for YOU, and not for what you can DO.)
Bodies break, and bodies suck sometimes. It’s just the reality.
(Horrible reality, but reality none-the-less.)
Churches aren’t perfect; but God is.
WHO you are is not defined by WHAT you can do.
(Your job does not define you. And neither does your illness.)
Hope does not mean giving up until change comes. Hope means having faith whilst you do your best to wade in the mud.
(Trusting that there will be solid ground at some point, but knowing that you won’t find that solid ground if you just stop and sink.)
They are some of the highlights (or lowlights, however you look at it) of the things I have learnt and continue to learn. Maybe i’ll expand them at another point.
“So how did I get from Nursing; to poorly; to here? ”
So how did I get from Nursing; to poorly; to here?
Quite simply… I’ll go ahead and say, the answer to that is ‘God only knows’. (LITERALLY).
As I said in my “lesson’s learnt”, Churches aren’t perfect. They’re filled with people, and people make mistakes. And although that’s a story for another day, the long and short of it is, I ended up out of Church for the first part of being poorly. (Church let me down a bit, GOD did NOT.) That was until I stumbled upon a couple of passionate, sarcastic, real-life church leaders who were changing lives and taking names, in Ashford. I can say, with all love and respect (because i’ve said it to their faces before now!) Ashford Vineyard was pretty much nothing I thought I wanted in a Church, and everything I needed. Fast forward a few more years (I am a very stubborn human)… after a long while of loving me from a distance, and being very patient with me and my trust issues, Ashford Vineyard became my home. (Regardless of the fact that I don’t make it to Sunday mornings often- fatigue does not do well in that environment. [For anyone who knows, or wants to understand… that kind of attack of the senses; the sights, sounds, lights and hubbub of humans is a spoon zapper like no other!] Thankfully, Church is more than a Sunday morning…)
I ended up taking on the role of Volunteer Communications Administrator at AV- they’d never had a Comms person before, I had never been one… [It was a blag of mammoth proportions, on both sides.] And I began to develop skills I never even knew were sitting inside me ready to be unleashed. Developing the Comms role was a challenge, it wasn’t always easy, or plain sailing. But I learnt how to create media with Marc, my partner in crime.* Designing artwork, making videos, stepping into more and more photography, developing social media strategies, and so the list continues. All energy permitting, and mostly from the comfort of my PJs and sofa.
*(That man deserves a lot of thanks, for believing in me; being my second eyes, second ears; throwing me in the deep end often, and teaching me to just do it and see what happens…And also for his constant patience/telling me to shut up when I needed it.)
“When I eventually took a step back from that role, I was at a bit of a loss, once again questioning my identity, and what was next for me. ”
When I eventually took a step back from that role, I was at a bit of a loss, once again questioning my identity, and what was next for me. I knew that I had a passion burning inside me, to help other people who had stories like me, feel less alone. I also knew the pain of friends not knowing what to say, when life is turned upside down, and so saying nothing in worry of saying the wrong thing. And so… Thatch Creative was born (after a long time of to-ing and fro-ing about whether it was a good idea, and whether it would crash, burn and fail miserably. (The fear is real.) Coupled with working out if it was a wise use of money to invest in a business, after not working for several years and only relying on savings…. [Did you know it takes the average small business 5 years to start making a profit?! Joy…] BUT, it all came down to feeling like God was giving me the thumbs up, and…well… YOLO.) I had done a few little design jobs for people, alongside the Comms role, and the odd photoshoot here and there, so it made sense that if I was taking the plunge, I might as well go all out and live the Freelance life too.
And so… One year ago today (11th January 2019), I launched my website, and opened shop. I began creating and selling cards with a heart, giving people the words to say, when there are no words. An honest “Oh CRAP”, when airy fairy platitudes won’t do. A bit of sarcasm to bring a moment of relief in the battle. Whether it’s chronic illness (physical or mental), bereavement, heart break, or just a plain rubbish week. Breaking the barriers, and hopefully relieving loneliness, one card at a time.
Freelance work has been a small part of Thatch Creative so far, as i’ve been working to get the shop running smoothly, but this year, i’ll be open to more business. I’ve had such a great time working with people that I love and respect, creating logos, social media artwork, videos etc. Doing some very special photoshoots that capture the heart of a family. Design, photography and small video projects are all part of my remit. And i’m really looking forward to growing that side of my business in the next year and beyond.
“Life is not over for you. You are not alone. WHO you are is not defined by WHAT you can do. Your illness does not define you.”
Let’s be honest, chronic Illness SUCKS. It does. It’s painful, it’s emotionally challenging, it’s destructive and it’s lonely. It’s practically a logistical nightmare to juggle life around. To learn the art of putting on a brave face, but also be vulnerable when it’s needed. To guard your heart, but let people in too. It’s a MINEFIELD. My life is not where I anticipated it would be right now. Everything has changed. And I won’t sit here and tell you that i’ve got my shizzle together, and life is dandy. BUT if you are reading this, and are currently struggling in some way, I WILL tell you this… Life is not over for you. You are not alone. WHO you are is not defined by WHAT you can do. Your illness does not define you. (Some days, knowing that is easier said than done…)
My story, so far, has had many peaks and troughs, and I hope that I can share some more elements and expand a bit on the the last few years, to help and inspire you in your current situation… Or just to give you a laugh at my expense. Either is an acceptable result!
My story is mine. Yours will never be mine, and mine will never be yours. But I hope that by being honest, and occasionally vulnerable about where i’ve come from, and how chronic illness effects my life; the highs and the lows, I can breed some vulnerability in return, and give you the confidence to own who YOU are. In all it’s ugly beauty.
With love,
KT. x
*Be in touch, i’m just a click away.*
