The Necessity for Connection
Karen Thatcher
I am not a hugely tactile human. I like my personal space. (Don’t get me wrong, I love a hug from the right person, but I don’t necessarily need to be constantly close to other humans as often as most.)
What is connection? And why are humans hardwired for it?
As an introverted extravert, social situations and being around a lot of people, makes me nervous and causes my social butterfly to go into overdrive… which gives the allusion of confidence. I love my own space and my own company. I have never been someone who gets chronically lonely if I’m on my own for a long period of time.
And yet, lockdown has got me pondering the necessity for connection. What is connection? And why are humans hardwired for it?
I have developed the art of compartmentalising my feelings.
I have discovered about myself in the last few months that, when it comes to connection, I really am an all or nothing girl. I have developed the art of compartmentalising my feelings. (Much to the annoyance of my closest people.) And so the first part of lockdown was challenging to me, but not as much of an emotional wrench as it has been for many. The worst part was not being able to fix and be there to comfort the people I love, in their own emotional wrenches. Obviously I missed certain people. But I was able to find my emotional connection from afar when I needed it. That was, until… one day a few weeks ago, when my Saturday was filled with some of my favourites stopping by with gifts and sitting on my front doorstep for socially distanced chats, in person. Not seeing anyone at all, was fine. But this, was the beginning of my unravelling- seeing these people, but not being able to stand close to them, was too much. The compartmentalised boxes that I had so carefully packed away? Yeah, they stopped working.
…I hadn’t felt the weight of the time that COVID had stolen from us…
I then spent an evening sitting on the grass outside my friends’ house. This couple live just a short walk from my home, and theirs has been a second-home when I’ve needed it; a place of refuge, and safety, with people who have earned the right to know me, to challenge me, and be privy to my trust. (Which I never give lightly.) This particular couple will be moving in the next few months to follow an incredible adventure. My compartmentalising had meant that I hadn’t felt the weight of the time that COVID had stolen from us in preparing for their departure. So when the unravelling begun, my first venture out since lockdown, belonged to them. We sat for HOURS at the front of their house, chatting about everything and nothing. But what tipped me over the edge, was the goodbye. Where usually we would hug to say our goodbyes, instead, we stared at each other, not knowing how to deal with not being able to connect. Well that was just the icing on top of the cake.
…being denied the nearness of the ones you love is completely counter to our natural human instincts.
That 5 minute walk home was brutal. The overwhelming grief bubbled up to the surface and I realised in that moment, that being denied the nearness of the ones you love is completely counter to our natural human instincts. Whether you crave constant nearness, or are more reserved with your affection, regardless, we all have an integral necessity for connection in one form or another.
Our family is very close, and this has quite probably been the longest we’ve ever been separated. We have managed to have many zoom calls, and played quizzes from a distance like most families have during lockdown. And technically, we probably could meet together now outdoors. But, I have a very cute (and extravagant) niece who is 4 years old. And we decided that it would be too emotionally hard (and potentially damaging) to her, for us to see each other and not be able to hug and be near each other. [My word, it would be hard enough for US, with an understanding of the whys… let alone her…] Children are hardwired to physically reach out when they want closeness- either in sadness, or happiness, or tiredness… It is inbuilt for children to naturally want to be embraced by their family. And so it really shouldn’t come as a surprise that as adults, whether we care to admit it or not, that instinct remains in some form or another. An inherent necessity for connection.
Surely the pain equates to the love that we have for those people?
As lockdown measures begin to lift in small (but monumental) ways, it poses a challenge to people who gravitate to a compartmentalised emotional existence, like me. It dangles the carrot, of being able to spend time with your people, but not being able to reach out. Not being able to embrace to greet or part. And so I find myself walking the tightrope between avoidance, and leaning into the emotions that the absence of connection brings. (I usually opt for avoidance, but that is something that I have tried to challenge myself on in recent years… That’s another conversation.) Leaning into the pain of this form of connection-separation-anxiety, may be hard, but I would like to think that it could also be transformative. Surely the pain equates to the love that we have for those people? And surely, therefore, in having that action that our instinct usually employs, stripped from us, we might form a deeper understanding of our needs, and how to express the love and compassion we have FOR those people, in a much more meaningful way?
Maybe we will develop a discerning for where we place the privilege of our requited connection.
I would also like to think that this time apart will bring with it a sweeter embrace when that right is restored to its natural state. Maybe we will develop a discerning for where we place the privilege of our requited connection. We might reserve our closeness for the people we really and truly have missed, and the expression would be much more meaningful. (Or maybe the world will become a free for all, and we’ll be hugging strangers on the street.)
I will be trying hard to lean into the pain in a healthy way, filled with learning, and growing. In the full understanding that it may not be easy…
…if we boast in an outrageous love for the people in our lives and yet limit the emotions of being physically separated from them, we just may be limiting our capacity to give to them, the love and value that they deserve.
If you fall into the avoidance camp, and thus far have managed to restrain your emotions that the last few months may be bubbling under the surface, as you actively ignore it… I’d like to challenge you to take a moment and lean into those feelings, in small doses. Because If I’ve learned nothing else, I have discovered that if we boast in an outrageous love for the people in our lives and yet limit the emotions of being physically separated from them, we just may be limiting our capacity to give to them, the love and value that they deserve. I’d hope that the pain attached can bring such beautiful fruit to the way we love and cherish our people. And that might just be worth a bit of emotion.
If you’re missing your people, I have 3 cards that speak right into our current situation, #ReachOutInIsolation and send them some love.
(I even do direct sending. I will hand-write your message and send it directly to them, 1st Class, for you!)
