Behind the Words: Not Everything Happens for a Reason
Karen Thatcher
This is for the people who have been burned by the misguided platitudes that plague us in times of trial.
This is for the people who have been burned by the misguided platitudes that plague us in times of trial.
This is to remind us all of the power of words.
This is to make us think about what we say and why we say it… and the impact it has on someone.
Even when it’s meant well…
(This piece of spoken word and this blog post about the story behind the words, is in no way designed as an angry rant, or a telling off, or anything else along those lines. It is from a heart of kindness, a heart of empathy, and a heart to do better- myself included)
There are 2 things that often happen when life gets hard…
…a product of there being no words that do justice to the injustice…
1) People don’t know how to deal with it. (Even when it’s not theirs to deal with.) In the very worst moments, or in situations we don’t understand, we search for the words to say to fix the situation, or to make someone “feel better’. Or… in some cases, a way out of the awkward encounter with uncomfortable feelings. So instead of just plain saying “That sucks, there are no words” phrases like “Just remember… Everything happens for a reason.” or, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”, or in christian circles, the good ol’ “All in God’s timing” or “God never gives us more than we can handle”, end up scattering throughout our sentences. Though usually well meaning, and a product of there being no words that do justice to the injustice, these can be painful and more damaging than you intend them to be.
You know why? Because…. They’re really stupid. They are EMPTY words meant to placate an unplacatable (possibly not a real word) situation. More often than not, they leave the person on the receiving end feeling invalidated, questioning what they did wrong to deserve the suffering they’re enduring, or just plain irritated and alone.
2) The second thing that usually happens is the unsolicited advice begins to tumble down like a never-ending waterfall. People with without being asked, and usually with no personal experience of the situation- whether it’s physical illness, mental health, family worries or anything else under the sun… suddenly have the answer you need, the cure-all. “Have you tried…” “…if you just…” “I read this article…”. While just as well meaning as “Everything Happens for a Reason”, they are also entirely crippling for many of the same reasons.
Whilst this may sound as if i’m an angry ball of rage, I think the opposite is true. I’m tired. So tired. Tired of putting up my force-field to protect myself time and time again. But mostly, tired and sad on behalf of the many people I know who are battling the same stream of words on a regular basis.
The shop side of my business was always designed to give people the words to say when there are no words. To educate in empathy, and to give people the authority to throw away the empty platitudes and swap them for REAL-ness. These words that I speak/write to you, are as much for YOU, as they are for ME. I have been there. And i’m sure I regularly make this mistake. No body is perfect. My personality is one of a fixer, I like to problem solve and mend situations. And so I know the pull of reaching for a fix. I always want to strive to use my words wisely and i’m forever learning that not everything needs me to fix it. Sometimes being present with someone and doing nothing other than loving them, is more glue that i’ll ever know. And so as I learn, i’m passing it on to you too.
I would challenge you that if you found this piece of spoken word and the blog post to follow, uncomfortable, that maybe it’s uncomfortable for a reason.
I would challenge you that if you found this piece of spoken word and the blog post you’ve just read, uncomfortable, that maybe it’s uncomfortable for a reason. It’s not to shame you, it’s not to chastise you. It’s a quiet reminder that we’re in this together.
If you want to make a start, maybe next time you go to use a phrase like those above, that you choose one of these instead:
“I have no words, there is nothing I can say, I can’t fix it, I can’t make it go away. But all I can do it be present with you while you’re going through, what you’re going through.”
“I’m sorry that you’re struggling, I wish I knew why, but I won’t even try to reason the why. I may not ever fully understand, but i’m here to quietly hold your hand.”
We all know, deep down, that NOT everything happens for a reason. So let’s not pretend it does.
A matching card is on its way… Keep an eye out, but in the meantime, here are my favourite cards to help give you the words when there are no words.
