Empathy: The Power of Understanding
Karen Thatcher
Understanding with empathy can change EVERYTHING…
“In one way or another, we all just want to be seen, to be heard, and to be truly understood.”
There is this thing about “understanding” that speaks right into someone’s situation and says “I see you and I hear you”. And doesn’t everyone want to be seen and heard? Is that not the single universal feeling that burns inside every human being’s core desire? In one way or another, we all just want to be seen, to be heard, and to be truly understood.
The dictionary definition of understanding is “sympathetic awareness”. To me, this speaks of not JUST listening but listening with an intent to gain a deep connection to another person’s experience.
It is actively making an attempt to sit in the situation with someone until you feel it for yourself. But understanding isn’t always free. Truly understanding someone can come at a cost. That cost is that you just might feel a bit of their hurt with them, on their behalf.
If you asked any person with a chronic illness; someone who has suffered deep grief; or who has been through trauma of any kind (or neurodiverse, just plain struggling, etc. the list is in no way exhaustive), I would bet a large amount of money that at some point in that journey (whether short-term or continuing) a person has said something really silly and entirely unhelpful to them. Something that made them stop and think to themselves “they really don’t understand me at all”. That realisation can, in itself, be painful (without even dealing with the extra pain that comes from the actual words that may leave an unintentional lasting dent, and become an earworm that speaks into self-worth).
“We howled laughing at each other’s stories of absolutely ridiculous things people had said to us that reeked of misunderstanding our lives and our battles. ”
My school bestie and I went for dinner a few weeks ago, both of us having been through a rollercoaster in the last year and a half. Her, fighting and beating cancer like a BOSS. Me, almost being snuffed out from COVID.
As we sat munching our way through pizza and chatting, we got onto the subject of “stupid things people say when they mean well”. We howled laughing at each other’s stories of absolutely ridiculous things people have said to us that reeked of misunderstanding our lives and our battles. (If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry.) Both of us have also lived with (/are living with) ME/Chronic Fatigue for many years too we have swapped these stories of varying degrees, with each other long before our recent near-death experiences. But it seems the worse the acute condition, the worse the silly comments too.
Let me just be clear in saying this: almost all of the people who speak words that burn; words that create a feeling of being entirely misunderstood, usually do it from a genuine heart of love. And more often than not, it’s from a place of desperately wanting to understand, but not being able to get there. Wanting to say SOMETHING but have no words, so they grab what they can and hope for the best. People are just trying their hardest. And I am almost entirely certain, I have been that person too… on many occasions. We are but human.
“...the relief of knowing that we had someone close to us who TRULY understood what we were going through, was gold.”
About a year into my post-viral (turned chronic) fatigue, my sister-in-law also became poorly. I think I can speak for her too when I say that this was and is the most bittersweet feeling. Neither of us wanted the other to be unwell, but the relief of knowing that we had someone close to us who TRULY understood what we were going through, was gold. We have done a lot of this journey together, the learning and the hurting; the grieving and the celebrating. Although we both have incredible family and friends around us who step into the understanding with us, there is nothing better than someone who gets it in a way that goes beyond trying to.
One thing that I have learned from my own illness, has been that the activities that drain the energy of a fatigued person, are VERY different to what tires a well person. Fatigue is not just extreme tiredness, it IS that, and it is also something else entirely. (Plus how it looks for one person with fatigue, is different to how it looks for another. How it shows up for me vs my sister-in-law, is still very different.)
And so for a well person to truly understand, the answer is simple.
Ask.
And then listen.
“there is an emotional exhaustion in having to fight to be heard, in finding understanding that I know my body, and I know its triggers. ”
An example of one of the things that I have battled is the struggle to find understanding in the fact that it doesn’t matter what we’re doing, even if we’re in pyjamas together and doing conventional well-person’s “resting”, it is not restful for me, and will cost me. I have been asked consistently over the years by many different people if they can come and sit with me on the sofa and watch a film together with the disclaimer that we don’t even have to talk, I don’t have to do anything, we can just rest… Although VERY lovely to offer, my answer is usually “no”. For me and my fatigue, having other people in my home and in my space (that isn’t my family), WILL cost me energy, and WILL without fail, make me poorly. Sometimes I will choose that, know the price, and be willing to pay it. But there is an emotional exhaustion in having to fight to be heard to be understood that I know my body, and I know its triggers. And there is also a guilt that comes when that answer is misunderstood and mistaken for not wanting to invest in a friendship.
So how can we love and understand our people better? I’m no expert, I only know my experience, but here are 3 ways that I have learned to show up for my people and understand them and their situations:
1) Ask the questions-
Don’t be afraid to ask. There is only one way for you to find out the answers, and that is to be humble enough to ask the questions that you need to know to understand them better.
“How does your illness/grief/trauma show up for you? And how can I support you better in it?”
“I’d love to spend time with you, but I know that the ways in which I rest, may not be restful for you. Can you tell me the best way for me to show up in your life and spend time with you, but in a way that limits the impact it has on your health?”
“I want to understand what you’re going through, but I also know that I may never fully get it. Are you happy for me to ask you questions about your illness/grief/trauma so that I can gradually step into a better understanding with you? And if so, what is the best way to ask you, so that you don’t feel overwhelmed?”
2) And then listen-
Listen to the answer, and accept the answer.
Asking is not enough if you don’t then both listen to the answer and accept it. The chances are that if you’re asking the questions in the first place, you WANT to understand the person’s experience and what they’re going through. However, understanding can take time and investment. It starts with listening, and it starts with accepting that even though it’s not something within your own experience, the adjustments and boundaries that they have to make in their lives to manage their situation may not make sense to you. Accept the answers and know that it’s not about you, it’s about them.
3) Be willing to be inconvenienced-
Being physically, emotionally or mentally poorly; immersed in grief or going through/recovering from trauma is inconvenient to other people.
It means saying no to things you’d love to do; being isolated for long periods of time; not being able to be fully present 100% of the time and not being able to see your friends to do the things others would. If you really love someone, you need to decide to be willing to be inconvenienced and adjust your own life to accommodate the inconvenience too. There is nothing worse than feeling like a burden. I can almost guarantee, that the person already is feeling the weight of the inconvenience, don’t add to it. Choose if you are willing to be inconvenienced by their limitations remembering that it is the situation that is the inconvenience NOT the person, and then use both your words and your actions to show them that you are in it with them, and you’ll adapt to love them the best that you can.
We are all imperfect and there is only SO much we can understand about another human being’s life. We will never fully understand it if we haven’t walked it ourselves- and no two people will ever or have ever walked and experienced the exact same journey either. But the act of seeking understanding through asking questions and actively listening and accepting the answers we’re given, goes a very very long way.
If you don’t have the words to say to start the conversation, why not kick it off with a card letting them know that you love them and you’re thinking of them? That is always the best way to open the door to a further conversation. (I’ve got loads to choose from in my shop…)
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This is me, Karen, the Thatch behind the Creative. I have an Empathy Card business designed to give people the words to say when there are no words. When I’m not doing that, I’m a Freelance Creative & Comms Consultant passionate about helping and equipping people to communicate the voice of their organisation in a creative and sustainable way. Get in touch, I’d love to hear from you!